Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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