U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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