so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
