I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
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my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
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Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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