And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
