is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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