this beer tastes like vomit already
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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