My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
