apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
