if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
