Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
