He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
