I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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