Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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