i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
