Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
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I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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