I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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