I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
