i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
