When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked