but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
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When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man