there's paper in my vomit.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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