seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
