if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
