i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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