I didn't shave. On purpose
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
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His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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