And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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