I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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