The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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