So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
