i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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