this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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