I can text with my tongue
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
