I just cut my nipple shaving
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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