Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If that was your dad, he is hot
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
