Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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