Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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