I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
