The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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