fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
