I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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