they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
