Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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