why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
