my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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