the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
