I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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