i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
