I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
high people should be assigned attendants
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
