I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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