i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
