No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Mom said you looked used
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
