Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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