Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
