my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
