My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
