Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Randomize
