I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
