Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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