i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
