WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
