there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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