I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize