I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just fell off a train. Bad.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I met the friendliest cop last night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
