what day is it and did you see me today?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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