someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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