you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
