I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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