I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
